Grace

I turned 41 in October.  I’ve been 41 for 6 months and 15 days.  This has been the most A/D/D year of my life so far.  I cannot stay focused.  I’m a complete basket-case.  One moment I’m being a photographer, loving it, feeling inspired and accomplished and then the next moment I am wondering if anyone else is ever going to hire me.  I will go round and round with myself over what to do next, how to position myself, what paths to follow and then at the end of my unproductive battle within myself, I usually throw my arms up and consider my day wasted; day after day.

With Beautiful Feet Global Outreach, I see the solution to every problem right in front of me but cannot even begin to reach it.  More people need to give, just a little.  Enough people know about BFGO to meet every need at the Zim orphanages.  It’s just that not enough people care.  So the challenge becomes building platforms and getting heard.  I have become a professional “asker”.  I wanted to be the person who writes the big checks, not the person who asks other people to write big checks.  Some people over my lifetime have cursed me for being passionate and wordy.  But now there are tons of people in Zimbabwe who are grateful for my passion.  Go figure.  I’ll keep asking and praying that God aligns my passionate mouth with some passionate ears, in His name.

To say that homeschooling has been a struggle recently would be a huge understatement. Asher and I have butted heads far more than I care to admit.  The past couple of days have been a little bit better, but man oh man….  Lord have mercy.

The recent storm in early March blew some tornadic activity around us and we suffered at least enough damage to warrant getting a new roof, new siding on the west side, etc.  I envy my house.  It has gotten a shiny new top layer and several imperfections overhauled.    It would be great if we could cash in on insurance policies on our minds and hearts.  From time to time I feel so beaten up and destroyed; a soul insurance policy would really come in handy right about now.

It’s times like these that I look toward the Heavens and ask God to remind me about His grace.  Often I think I’m guilty of walking past the pitcher full and neglect to take a drink. I really need a cupful of grace, not to just observe it and think about it but to chug it down like glass of ice-water on a sun-scorched day.

Is anyone else thirsty?

The Kitchen Sink Update

Wow – I haven’t blogged here in over a month.  It’s a busy season for me, to say the least.  I possibly should have given up more than real estate.  I’m spinning many plates right now and it is a matter of time before one shatters.  But as I weigh the value of each I am utterly torn in determining what else needs to go.

I love homeschooling my precious Asher Tate.  We have experienced immeasurable and irreplaceable moments of joy, reward, simplicity and bonding.  I love being his teacher and witnessing his “a-ha” moments.  I treasure being able to set the pace and choose the subjects based on his style and temperament.  My face nearly splits from ear to ear as I drop him off to his precious art class on Fridays, something he is so passionate about.  I’m grateful and humbled to witness him in an environment with few restraints, increased boundaries and the freedom to be just exactly who he is.  I don’t even mind the limits, the extreme limits on my own freedom and quiet, because nothing could be more joyful truly than loving and nurturing this gift that was given to me.  This Tater Tot.  Is it perfect?  Not at all.  Does it get frustrating?  Yes, frequently.  But it is precious.  Is it forever?  I don’t know.  We don’t know.  I’m trying to be a good listener.  I want for our lives to move according to God’s will and plan without us forcing yields or toying with short-cuts, or Heaven forbid… taking the long way around.  I don’t want for us to fit any other mold than the one formed for us by His hand.  I have never wanted more than I want right now… to honor His will and to go through valleys, no matter how deep, dark and lonely, if it is going to lead us and others to Him.  And that was a tough sentence to type, just so we’re clear.

Photography is blessing my socks off.  No, not financially yet, but in my heart and spirit I feel more alive than I have in a long time.  I am not sure how to articulate this piece.  Photography, like writing, is a creative expression but with a drastically different result in the ways that they work in me.  I have been so sweetly blessed to capture some images that literally make me cry.  They might not move you, and that is okay.  They blow me over.  As quirky is it may sound, the visual artist in me has peeked out from behind whatever she has been hiding.  She is beginning to blossom and I really like her.

My book is being babied by a precious friend of mine.  She is combing through it and making valuable edit suggestions.  She is piecing it together in a way that is helping me to see it more fully.  I’m in awe of her dedication, love and prayer through this really long love-letter I have written to Jesus and to the women who seek to love Him more.  I know that there is more writing in my future.  Ideas are presenting themselves left and right.  Oh I really need to organize the clutter in my mind.  It’s mostly all useful clutter, just very  much piled up in a chaotic disaster.

BFGO remains at the height of my every day mountain.  I climb more and more and feel strength and accomplishment, and then I slip and lose the gain.  It is glorious and heavy all at the same time.  Fatima and the children are worth every pain and struggle.  Their hope and faith soothes every disappointment.  Jesus is so alive in them.  They, together with HIM, rock my wild world.  Oh Lord, but where would I be?

Shawnie is doing fantastic.  His speech is really awesome these days.  He says adorable sentences.  He loves to help cook.  He loves to stir.  He will stir anything we toss in a bowl and sweetly state “um it so dee-lish-ish”.  He takes off his shoes and socks and places them right where they belong.  He is currently obsessed with The Three Little Pigs (& the big bad wolf huffing puffing and blowing the house down).  Shawnie loves chips and quesadilla…. and equally loves to talk about them because he loves to say kay-suh-dee-uh.    Our Shawnie is old enough to advance to Kindergarten next year but after discussing his team at school, we have decided to keep him in pre-k another year.  We really feel this is best for him.

The hubs is doing very well too.  Working hard and being a very active daddy… we are so blessed.

Hope you all are doing well.  Thanks for reading my updates.

JCP & Ellen Degeneres (i prefer love)

Ok, Imma be honest.  I might be writing more this week because of a little pms situation. I’m hormonal.

Sue me.

Like many of my readers, I am a conservative Christian too.  The key word in that statement being, “Christian”.  I seem to default into the conservative category… but I think I also offer a lot of grace.  I see black, white and gray.  And I worry about people who do not.

Sometimes I read about things Christians say and do and I throw my head back, reach for the Heavens with clenched fists and say “O.M.G.”… seriously people.  What is going on?

Todays’ news is about a Conservative Christian group asking that JC Penny fire Ellen Degeneres as their spokesperson because she is gay.  I believe they claim that this upsets the “majority” of their shoppers who will now choose to shop elsewhere.

Excuse me?

What the ?

Before I go into the reasons why I find this scheme to be idiotic, let me just state my bottom line.

I wish said Christians would stop fighting so much for what they are against and instead start focusing their efforts on what Christ is for.

Is our world going to hell in a handbasket?  Yep, probably.  But not because ED is spokesing for JCP.  (fyi: spokesing = word i just made up and i like it a lot).  ”Representing” would have been a better, grammatically correct choice.  But I don’t always make good choices.  A’hem.

Seriously, if you stop shopping at JCP then you will have to start shopping at Sears or Macy’s or Target or (somewhere?) right?  Are you going to interview every employee first to determine if their beliefs and lifestyle match your own?  Because you will be disappointed in the first 30 minutes.

The last time I checked, most shopping malls and grocery stores do not have a cross on the top front and center of their buildings.  Maybe I should weave my own fabric, raise my own cattle and weld my own jewelry, write my own music, harvest my own grains, and mine my own stonewear.  Because I would sure hate to spend a moment anywhere near anyone who isn’t exactly.like.me.  That is the message you are sending.

There is a ginormous gay population.  If you alienate gay people from your life, you’ll have to stop eating, wearing clothes, pumping gasoline, getting your hair cut… oh, and breathing.  I’m pretty sure that is written in the book of Betty chapter 6; verse 66.

But what if you took all of that energy condemning gays to hell and instead focused that same energy on doing Kingdom work?  Kingdom work involves going and telling good news.  It involves walking in love.  Loving others as yourself.  It involves encouraging in love (as opposed to discouraging others in spewed hatred).

I read scriptures and I believe in all of it.  All of it.  But nowhere did Jesus in the great commission call us to go out and be finger pointers.  If so, someone would have to knock on your door and point one right at you.  I believe in abstaining from things that may cause me to fall away or slip back into bad behaviors of all of my yesterdays.  I believe in speaking truth in love.  I also believe that Ellen Degeneres is hilarious and generous and beautiful.  If you can’t grace the doorway of a JCP because of Ellen then just don’t.  But I beg you not to make the whole barrell of Christians to look and smell and taste rotten.  You need to own that all by yourself.

I prefer love.

**p.s. i heard this story on the radio…although I did not hear the name of the conservative Christian group.  i know that one million moms is also complaining…  but i don’t think they are specifically a Christian group… i do not know.  

Lasting Impression

It was great the first time.  The hubs, me and kiddos in tow showed up and they showed us to their private guest suite. We enjoyed a few great days there with their family.  They took us out to dinner; provided activities for the kids, etc.  It was GREAT.  It was memorable for many good reasons.

But the second time…  well, it changed me.  I had occasion to visit their town again; solo this time.  I put them on alert far in advance to see if crashing at their house would be a possibility.  They more than agreed; they insisted.  Only time would tell whether I would actually show up.  I checked in again a two months prior and they were still fully on board.

What happened next would alter me.

See, they have three kids.  Young ones.  Young ones who need to fall asleep at a decent hour, full-swing into the school year and other outside activities.  Their lives are not boring, or quiet, or easy to schedule around.  And yet somehow, for the two days I was there with a busy agenda, these friends managed to JOYFULLY cater to my every need.  On top of that, they went above and beyond to create precious memorable experiences that they knew would matter to me.  They picked me up in the middle of the night and drove me the places I needed to be.  They they picked me up from those places and delivered me to other places that they thought I might appreciate seeing or experiencing. They fed me.  They served me cake and ice cream in the middle of the night, too.  (That’s love, people!)  They dragged their children around for a lot of this stuff too…. kids that didn’t whine or complain AT.ALL.  The drop off’s and pick up’s were multiple.  I would have whined.

Did I mention chocolates on my pillow case?

What stunned me so much was not so much that they drove a gazillion miles on my behalf (although that was surely beautiful and notable)… but that everything they did for me was done out of a deep place of joy to serve me.  The spirit was nothing short of magnificent love.  They honored me so much.  They humbly served me with a significant level of nothingness.  Nothingness that means…. “while you are here, you matter more to us than we matter to ourselves.”

I’m not joking.  Game changer.

On the way to the airport I told my friend I was so stunned by her love and service toward me that weekend…. on behalf of her whole family.  I told her that to witness it all will forever make me a better friend.  She has a precious husband and 3 beautiful sons.  They were all in cahoots… genuinely.  It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve experienced.  And I saw something in me that I don’t like very much.

I can be burdened.

I can be inconvenienced.

I can be too tired to show up.

I can be slow to follow-through.

Short of an emergency or dire need (emotional or physical) …. I’m not sure I have ever just laid everything down to be a servant to a friend.  But now I will… because my precious friend made a lasting impression.

Not Gonna Lie

Hi reader friends.  I love y’all.  Thanks for sticking with me during the down time as I am not writing here very frequently…. which is only temporary.  I appreciate the emails.

Just thought I’d pop in to update some of the more significant things going on in my day-to-day life.

I am purging stuff like crazy.  We have room in our master closet for 3 more people to move in.  That is just crazy.  Oh, and the attic…  half gone and the other half totally organized.  I rock.  Not gonna lie.

Coincidentally I am reading a book called “7″ by Jen Hatmaker.  I am not participating in 7 the way she describes it, but I’m in the arena.  Go buy that book.  Now.  It rocks.  Not gonna lie.

I sold something valuable and flashy recently in exchange for some peace of mind.  I feel better.  Now something more meaningful can occupy pieces of my mind.  But it was hard.  Not gonna lie.

I bought the coolest, most awesome totally high dollar purse/bag at Goodwill for $5.99.  There is no evidence that it had EVER been used.  I’m certain it cost more than $200 on the retail shelf.  And I have no idea how this fits into the post… but I’ve been dying to gloat over my amazing find.  Gloat?  Whoops.

I bought organic chicken this week from Whole Foods.  Anyone out there in a position to buy shoes for my children?  Well, maybe without antibiotics and added hormones in the chickens, maybe my children’s feet will begin to shrink.  It could happen.  This happened to me in Africa in fact.  (Totally organic diet = weight shrinkage).  And this horrifies me to death about the “sensible” food we’ve been eating.  Not gonna lie.

Totally irrelevant garbage tidbit:  Last night I flipped back and forth between The Bachelor and The Voice.  One is a constant train wreck which I still invest in strictly for the psychology experiment (true) and the other raises happy hairs all over my precious* head.  (* i refuse to believe that God sees me and you any other way).

My fam is doing very well….  not leaving them out of this post for any other reason than I have carved out a few moments this morning to be totally selfish.  Not gonna lie.

Okay… so much of this post offered no significance at all.  My bad.

Love y’all,

melissa

 

My Husband Hates Me

Ok, he probably doesn’t.  But I am an actions/message interpreter because…well, I’m a woman.  And according to his latest actions, he hates me.

See, it all started a gazillion years ago when we got married.  Ok, 10 years 3 months and 20 days ago (ish).

When he washes the dishes…..

 ***side note*** …. I realize that any woman who can truthfully type the words about her husband “when he washes the dishes…” that in and of itself is a gift and a blessing and she should just probably shut up.  But I’m not going to…. shut up.

…. he started this odd habit of putting the skillets into the oven.  Why?  Well, I’m not sure why.  It has always puzzled me and quite honestly over time it became a massive source of frustration for me.  I would not have any idea that a pan was in the oven and would turn it on to pre-heat for cooking.  I would then open the oven to insert some food and find that I would have to FIRST remove a VERY HOT PAN or worse, MULTIPLE HOT PANS.  I would have to find a place to sit the VERY HOT PANS and allow THEM to cool off.  Usually that required moving things around, yada yada yada…blah blah blah.  OR, other times I would be searching for a pan to use and not able to locate it because my mind does not process that it might be “hiding” in the oven.

I complained gently at first with subtle requests such as “Please don’t do this because….blah blah blah”.

It continued.

For months.

Until I exploded.

He confessed that he continued to do it because he didn’t think it was a big deal.

Why?

I still don’t know.

But it stopped.

For years.

This morning I made breakfast for the Tater Tot and myself and guess what, I couldn’t find the pan I wanted to use.

HE.IS.AT.IT.AGAIN.

My conclusion.

He hates me.

There is not other logical explanation.

I’d love to know your interpretation.  Go for it.

My Husband Hates Me

Ok, he probably doesn’t.  But I am an actions/message interpreter because…well, I’m a woman.  And according to his latest actions, he hates me.

See, it all started a gazillion years ago when we got married.  Ok, 10 years 3 months and 20 days ago (ish).

When he washes the dishes…..