Throwing In the Boomerang

I was up to here.  (Insert mind’s eye image of hand cutting throat).  I was loving almost everything about it except for the parts that were driving me nuts, which over time became more and more parts.

Homeschooling is a beautiful, tough, difficult, rewarding, stressful experience.  Well, if you’re me.

Toward the end of our 1st grade year there was more head-butting than learning moments.  In April, Asher spent quite a bit of time grounded for being disrespectful and ignoring rules, such as no riding bikes in the street (we have sidewalks), not going into his friends houses without getting my permission first, and failing to do any of his whole 10 minutes worth of chores after being asked repeatedly.  He is 7, mind you, but has been acting like a 14 year old boy with major identity confusion.

I was, and still am in some ways, at my wits end.  Visions readily came to my mind of dressing him in standard school attire and waving him good-bye as he stepped onto the bus to go back to a traditional school.  I was packing his lunch in my head and even rewarding him with a shiny new pair of sneakers.  Just one year went my thoughts.  It will be good for us to separate, for him to be reminded what firm/non-negotiable structure is and he can run back to me begging forgiveness for being ree-donk-u-lus!  I asked the school secretary last week what the procedure is for re-enrolling unruly gripe-wad Asher.  

And I can’t do it.  I can’t quit.  Not yet.  Homeschool is too amazing, too perfectly modifiable to the individual, too easily customized per need for me to throw in the towel.  And when heads aren’t butting, it is incredible bonding, hopelessly sweet, lovingly graceful and perfectly imperfect….So, instead of throwing in the towel, I’m throwing in the boomerang.  We’re coming right back to grade 2.  Oh Lord have mercy on us.

 

Smashing Peace

Yesterday I shared this on Facebook (in quotes at bottom).  It has kind of haunted me ever since.  My heart contintues to grive for my friend, Julia, and her son Brennan (well – and the whole family).  Last week Brennan was critically injured in an accident.  He is suffering a traumatic brain injury, including skull fracture, etc.  And there is so much potentially wrong in the e.t.c.  I just don’t know how to put it all into words.  I sneak into the hospital once in a while to offer a hug, a prayer, a cup of coffee… anything that holds perceived value at that moment.  It’s never enough even when it’s just right.  My friend, Julia… she is a sweet soul.  No, I know that everyone says that, but she really is.  She speaks French and writes poetry.  She paints flowers and wears vintage aprons while she gets flour in her hair making chocolate chip scones.  She prays with an open heart, leaks a tear easily and curses just at the right moments… the moments when the mutual understanding is craved to agree that life is hard.  She writes children’s stories, loves to quote the most profound people who’ve ever thought.  I just love her in so many ways… so to watch (and imagine) her walking through this grief (and so much more)… it breaks my heart.  Yesterday I was grappling with this notion that we can have peace that surpasses understanding.  I find myself believing that but not wanting it.  Not until it covers us all.

“I pray for peace within myself, regularly. Sometimes God sends it like a wave, leaving me breathless at His favor and presence. Other times, peace is pitched out toward me and I shatter it to bits like a baseball player knocking a glass sphere out of its own existence. It’s as if I know it’s there but I resist feeling it. Why would I reject peace? I bet the truth lies somewhere in the idea that if I were to feel peace that surpassed my understanding, then I wouldn’t understand… and I quite like to understand. And have you tried sleeping peacefully in a house where everyone else is wide awake? It’s difficult to. I like to be awake when others cannot sleep. I guess in the same way I prefer to be disoriented when others don’t know which way is up or down. I want God’s peace in my heart more than anything, but I want it for others too… so if they aren’t coming to the peace party right away, perhaps I’ll wait a while longer. And even with this, my perceptions are probably way off… but I cannot fathom smiles (in spite of joy) when tears are running down the cheeks of my treasured friends. I’m praying for peace to fall upon everyone, simultaneously, all at once, right about now. Yes, Jesus… only You can do this.” 

Smack Dab – Center

I can already tell that this blog post is not going to go the direction I thought.

Being smack dab in the center of something could be amazing, dangerous or overwhelming.  Being in the center of a donut has never really boasted well for a donut-hole.  Or has it?  Things that make you go… hmmmmmmmmm?

Pieces of it make me anxious, the unknowns, sometimes feeling like I’m being led while blind-folded.  Other pieces bring up fear because I don’t want to fail, don’t love attention and overall prefer to see clearly.  In all honesty, I like to draw the map, place the pins and program the GPS.  But right now I’m experiencing quite the opposite.  Every turn is a surprise.  I’m going to make a confession right now.  I’ve never been happier.  Because I’ve never felt so certain that I am right smack dab in the center of God’s will.

I don’t have any news and am not keeping any secrets from any of you.  I’m just on a cloud and very thankful for it.  I know that I matter to the Lord of all despite every reason why I don’t qualify.  I think these feelings are a result of some leaps of faith in obedience.  He is rewarding me with joy.  Joy that is oozing uncontrollably like creme from the center of a donut when someone takes a bite.  A rich, sweet mess.

Jesus, thank you for guiding me to you.  I love you, too.

April 26, 2012

My 30-day challenge isn’t going perfectly, but it is going.  My best successes are with house-keeping & writing, and my worst area is exercise.  I have still managed to exercise a bit here and there but not the way I had “planned” when I started this journey.  I have to turn that around!

I accomplished something I didn’t list in my challenge even though it was in the back of my mind.  I have had a couple of projects around the house that I wanted to tackle and I finally have.  I have repainted a piece of furniture, the chest of drawers that my boys share in their bedroom.  Later today once it is cured I am going to buff it and then the hubs and I will haul it back up to their room and I can clean up the disaster piles of clothes that are currently strewn everywhere.  I am going to slowly make over their bedroom.  It needs it.  Yay!

And speaking of clothes strewn everywhere, we had a little incident.  And by “we”, I mean “Shawn”.  Last night Joe tucked the boys into bed.  At 11am Shawn woke up screaming.  I slept through that, but Joe comforted him right back to sleep.  Evidently this happened again around 1am.  I also slept through that… thanks (or no thanks) to Benadryl.  Shawn woke up again and again 3 more times for a total of 5 times in the night.  I heard him at 3ish and again at 4:30ish.  Joe and I discussed that his cry wasn’t recognizable.  We checked his temperature, etc… but nothing added up and made any sense at all.  We considered that he might have been having nightmares because his cry was really loud and sudden every time and there was just something very different about it.  It wasn’t a “sick” cry or a “pain” cry.  Well – at 5am this morning I figured it out!  We had been caring for Shawn in the dark so hadn’t seen it before, but at 5am I turned my bedside lamp on – (Shawnie was with me) because Joe had just left for work.  I noticed a blue “stripe” across the back of Shawn’s pajama shirt and was instantly confused because I knew it didn’t belong.  At closer inspection, I realized that it was REALLY tight, and then I noticed the white “Hanes” band.  I suspect this happened right after Joe tucked the boys in… because the Chest of Drawers was in our garage and the clothes (including underwear) were just sitting in piles on their bedroom floor.  Shawn evidently got a pair of his little boy underwear, stuck his arms through the leg holes (like a shirt) and then pulled it over his head to the back of his neck and shoulders.  Essentially, Shawn was wearing underwear like a halter.  When I noticed this at 5am I took them off of him and it was so tight that it was very difficult to do without hurting him.  Now he is sleeping like an angel.  It’s hilarious now but it sure made for a restless night, especially for Shawn and Joe.  Oh my! Adventures with Shawnie!  This reminds me of the time I found him trying to wear one of my bras.

Hey y’all.  I woke up today full of hope and promise, and then I read my email.  I received some bad news and then sobbed for 5 minutes.  I’m likely to have a headache and swollen eyes all day but I am determined to overcome!  (Please don’t worry… it’s personal and it isn’t life or death!)  What struck me most about my tears today was how powerfully they flowed.  I didn’t even realize I had that much “cry” in me.  I hate the headache that follows a cry and for that very reason I will usually fight off tears as much a humanly possible,  even though crying may lead me through a healthy release.  This morning it wasn’t even possible because the waterfalls came before I could even reach for a tissue.  And while the news was the exact opposite of what I was hoping for, I’m amazed at how much freedom I feel now to pursue something else.  I’m amazed at how cleansed I feel just for allowing myself to weep it through, to let the hurt escape rather than trapping it in my heart.  I’m back to the beginning of my day, full of hope and promise.  Do you need a good cry over something today?  I recommend you go for it!  

As for my weekend recap regarding my goals… the only thing I really didn’t keep up with this weekend was my exercise.  I’ll jump back in today.  I might even go for a good long walk.

(Wow – I forgot to publish this post… eh?)

Today ended up being very productive.  Praise Jesus!

Hope you’ve all had a lovely Monday.

love,

melissa

 

Saturday 4/21/12

Today is my oldest son’s birthday.  Spencer is 23.  I love that boy!  We are having a birthday lunch with homemade cake tomorrow.  I can’t wait to give him his gifts!

I did “okay” with my new routine today but not perfect.  It is Saturday, after all.  I should have built in an off day…. which I think I will conveniently do now.  I will take either Saturday’s or Sunday’s off.  Today was a writing day for me.  I spent a few hours in my favorite local coffee shop and worked on editing my book.  Editing is not nearly as fun as writing… but I made a lot of progress and am happy.  It’s a necessary evil and I’m blessed to have a precious friend lending me solid advice in the editing department.  (Thanks, Michelle!  I love you!)

I prayed in the kitchen this morning before I made coffee… the hubs was still asleep in bed and I needed to talk to God out loud.  I’m happy that this is becoming a habit, talking to Him before I even begin my day.  Before coffee, people.  This is HUGE.

I worked this afternoon doing a photo session.  Ah.  Good stuff.

I didn’t exercise today because my legs are absolutely killing me.  My muscles are burning  and aching.  I have to jump back in tomorrow with something easy and stretchy.

I’m excited that some of you are joining with me.  I’ve received a few emails from friends who didn’t want to leave comments… it’s good to know that we can all be in this together. I am grateful to have a mindset for forming new habits, good habits.

Oh yea, I scrubbed a toilet today!  And I thoroughly cleaned the ceramic cook top.  I also dusted the blinds.  Yes, these things feel like progress!  I even enjoy cleaning… I should do it more often.  Did I mention that yesterday I washed down some baseboards?  I love clean baseboards.

That’s all folks!  Happy weekend!

love,

m.i.

It’s Time To Repair The Tracks ~ A 30 Day Challenge

Do you ever get off course, arrive at an ugly place, and then wonder how you got there?

This has happened to me recently.  In other words, it’s not where I’d like to be.

Historically, when I worked full-time in a typical office environment from 8-5, I was better about cleaning my house, exercising, nurturing relationships and completing projects.  I know in hindsight that the reason I managed my time better back then was because I had so little of it.  Time, that is.  If I hadn’t utilized the little time I had, nothing would have ever been accomplished, other than “working”.

Now that in recent years I have been a stay-at-home (mostly) working mom, I have taken to an overall “it can wait” attitude.  Why?  Because I have much more “time” to budget.  The problem is that with so much time to budget I repeatedly put off until tomorrow whatever I don’t absolutely HAVE to do today, and then tomorrow I put it off again.  This means that my house only gets a thorough cleaning when I know that someone is coming over.  This also means that my exercise habits have fallen to pieces.  I study my Bible and pray more on a “convenience” schedule instead of making it a top priority.  I have gotten off track.  My steps have been wayward and undirected to a great extent.  I have been wandering without focus.

Now for me, this has affected many areas of my life.  Maybe for you it is just one area.  I know that the only way to get back on track is to be intentional about it.  I’m getting intentional!  How about you?

For the past 2 days, I have prayed before even getting out of bed.  And for the past 2 days I have exercised at least 20 – 30 minutes in the morning.  And yesterday, I dedicated 1.5 hours to housework.  I must change some habits, make new ones.  If you want to join with me, please jump on board.  Let’s get our little engines back on track.

My daily commitment is this:

I will exercise at least 30 minutes per day.

I will pray before I get out of bed (and I’ll keep up my regular spontaneous call to prayer).

I will dedicate at least 30 minutes per day to house work, specifically cleaning the house.  (This doesn’t include laundry or dishes, since those are a given).

I will dedicate at least 15-20 minutes per day (5 days per week) to writing.  This might be book writing, journaling or blogging.

I will dedicate at least 30 minutes per day to devotionals and Bible study – (although I usually do this much longer when I dive in…. that Bible is hard to put down, folks!)

I’m on a 30 day track to getting back on track.  Let me know if there is an area in your life that you have allowed to get off course and if you’d like to join me in this 30 day challenge.  I’m planning to post a little something everyday here to help me stay accountable and you are welcome also to post your progress in the comments.  Sunday May 20th is the 30th day.  By then, these new habits will be 2nd nature.

Let me know if you’re in.  And also feel free to leave comments with suggestions of how you’ve managed having “too much time” if you have been in that boat.